THE PILLARS OF MARRIAGE

Marriage is the process by which two people who love each other make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people who agree to be together. In the process, personalities change, bodies age, and romantic love waxes and wanes. And no marriage is free of conflict. What enables a couple to
endure is how they handle those conflicts. 

So how do you manage the problems that inevitably arise? 
How can you keep the spark alive? 
How can you make your marriage worthwhile and meaningful? 

A marriage that experiences tremendous joy and happiness all through is nothing but a miracle. Marriages are meant to go through hardship so as to know or understand what it means or takes to scale through in marriage. No one is perfect, every individual is working towards perfection and it signifies how imperfect humans are. Marriage is not just a word but a special union between both partners. 

A putative marriage is apparently and seemingly a valid marriage. It’s kind of scary to see 70% of most marriages crumble in a twinkle of an eye, it is just unrealistic to see partners who promised to be together divorce each other because of those common challenges that shows up between two partners. The pillars of marriage I shall share with you are mind blowing and indeed the greatest way of sealing your marriage for life. Pillars of marriage should be the main strategies both partners must study to get the best out of their union rather than courting for 4 to 5 years and later end up saying no to marriage. Most couples are suffering from ignorance and it’s not a defense at all. Marriage is a deep and longtime union that should be well studied with love and passion.

LET ME SHARE WITH YOU THE PILLARS OF A WELL DESERVED MARRIAGE:

1. RESPECT: Respect is the act of appreciating and understanding each other’s values, differences and similarities. Respect is essential in marriage, and without it, such union is doomed and obviously heading for divorce or breakup. I have come to realize that most breakups are a product of the "INABILITY TO SHOW RESPECT TO A LOVED ONE". Respect goes a long way in a marriage and I believe it’s the key to all doors especially when it has to do with eliciting the strategies of a good and developed marriage. When respect appear as an important value; it gives more clarification on how appreciate human differences.

I can remember vividly devastating man who was brought to me by a friend. He got married at the age of 24 and was a year older than his wife.  They got married at Texas in the United States in year 2000; he was totally in love with his wife before getting married, he felt relaxed being with his wife at any point in time, he was outstandingly happy whenever he remember he’s got a wonderful woman as a wife. This is a man of great value and standard; he gave his all in making the courtship work before she finally said yes. But the wife changed totally few months into the marriage; he was disturbed that he couldn't do anything but to keep quiet for a period of time just to understand what was going wrong. His wife started showing the ruthlessness acts in her and started feeling like her husband wasn't important via her nonchalant attitudes. 

Few years after, this man fell out of love and started cheating on her, that he impregnated a woman outside marriage and later got married to the woman and later packed out of his house. The man later heard his ex wife committed suicide; he was devastated and couldn't get himself out of that state for years before his friend decided to bring him to me for counseling. We all know respect is one of the strongest pillars of marriage. The word “LOVE” can't have a stand if respect is not significant enough and every behavioral problem is in conjunction with dismissal of respect.  Respect is one of the keys to great and long lasting marriage; it is the foundation a marriage must be built on.

What i am saying is that it is very important RESPECT is present in every marriage and without it---leads to divorce or breakup. Respect is originated from our various characters and behaviors and we really need to be open enough to study how to show RESPECT in marriage. With it, we can catapult our marriage to the next level and thus make it an enjoyable one.

2. TRUST: Some would say it’s an undefined feeling, and some people would say it works with courage but I say it’s a decision. Yes!!! It is a decision that’s need to be taken from within. Trust is not just something we say on a daily basis, trust is a word that needs a back up from the HUMAN DECISION MAKING SYSTEM.  Trust goes a long way in our marriage lives and lack of trust has destroyed so many marriages. Most people fall out love due to their ability of not trusting their partners, and lacking the power to take total control of the word called “DOUBT”. Doubt is been shaped from the source called “LACK OF TRUST” and I have come to realize that so many couples have killed the feelings towards their partners  just because they are full of doubts. Once you don’t trust your husband/wife; you should get ready to drive your marriage down to the pit. This is not just a speculation but the true fact and I also have a great conviction that a marriage that lacks TRUST is going nowhere. In fact love can never dwell in a marriage that lacks trust. Trust is firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone and if a marriage lacks it(TRUST), then it’s useless.

For you to possess the ability to trust a partner, you also need to have the ability to take total control of your thoughts. Your references and life experiences determines what goes into your mindset and how you define what goes into your mind determines your thoughts and thus determine the action you produce at any moment in life. References are your life experiences, what you’ve ever felt, smell, seen, touched, perceive and in fact the moments you’ve never experienced or seen. Your imaginations are your references and your references determine what you feel or think at any point in time. How you represent or define your references to yourself matters a lot.

What would come to your mind if you see your partner coming down from a stranger’s (opposite gender) car?

What would come to your mind if a friend informs you he/she saw your partner with a strange coming out from a hotel?

What would come to your mind if you find out your husband has been having a conversation with a stranger (opposite gender) for the past 2 weeks?

Your references will surely determine the answers you give to these questions I listed above, and thus determine the level of your trust towards your partner. You have the ability to pick from your negative and positive references. The references you pick from will determine what you think about your partner ones those questions pops up.

What if your husband/wife’s friend decided to offer him/her a lift?

What if your husband/wife’s mission was to make inquiry about the hotel’s conference/event hall?

What if your husband/wife has been having a business conversation with a colleague or a business partner?

What am saying in essence is that TRUST is one of the most important pillars of marriage, and without TRUST, I can’t guarantee a long lasting marriage because it introduces doubts and assumption and once doubts gain access into your marriage life; your marriage has been hooked by an un-killable pest.

Increase the level of your trust today by controlling your thoughts and what goes into your mind. You have access to unlimited references you can tap from, negative references poisons the mind and thus produce negative actions.

3. UNDERSTANDING: Understanding is the main engine that hold a well deserved marriage, understanding is where a special and long lasting marriage is been shaped. A marriage that lacks understanding is doomed and should be ready to crash in no time. Understanding speaks life into every marriages and it is the main reason why couples will always be together to respect and trust each other. Without understanding, trust and respect don’t have a say in a marriage and that’s the more reason why it’s one of the most important PILLARS OF MARRIAGE. If a marriage needs just one pillar to survive, just a pillar to keep it going, just a pillar to make it worthwhile, just a pillar to bring out the very best in it; then that PILLAR is massive UNDERSTANDING. I remember vividly the story of a woman who gets angry easily since she got married to her husband. She is a woman that lacks the ability to control her negative emotions. Her emotion gets to her with ease and they make her react harshly to everyone around her. This is a woman who has been married for good 10 years without a child, she often deep herself into a debilitating mode and thus welcomed depression and sadness into her life. She feels vulnerable whenever she remembers a marriage is has no child in it. This is the result of why she imprecated her husband on a faithful evening after getting back from work. They were having their dinner on that faithful evening when a female neighbor rushed in to accuse this woman of sleeping with her husband. She was annoyed and really pissed off because she hadn’t done indulged herself in such habit since she got married despite the fact that she’s still expecting her own child. So she stood up and slapped the woman with pure anger, she cursed and made her realize how worthless she was for painting her image with such lies. Few minutes after, her husband called her and started pouring out irrational words and accusations to her. She felt disgusted and male-dict her husband with full intensity from within. This made her husband divorced her and they both went separate ways before I had the opportunity to reunite both couple. LACK OF UNDERSTANDING played a vital role in that marriage and thus stripped happiness away from both partners.

Understanding is something we all can’t afford to grip if we really want to have a long lasting marriage. We must always be keen to understand our partners more than they can ever imagine, it goes a long way and thus gives us the sense of certainty of their true inner values. Immense effort in getting to know our partners are the greatest tool to keep a long lasting marriage and of the greatest pillars of marriage.

4. RULES: This is one of the pillars we can’t just overlook in this chapter; rules are the shield that guides us from negative emotions and thus give us the power and ability to redefine every event or things that happens in our marriage. Rules are a form of power that controls what and how we think about virtually anything in our marriage. Every upset is an upset rule, and these rules are the rules we've created for ourselves consciously or unconsciously.

Why are you always mad when your wife talks back at you when you are talking?

Why do you always find it so difficult to let go of that thoughts that keeps reminding you how your husband asked you to shut up in front of his family members?

What’s up with the attitude of him not giving you at least 180 seconds kiss before leaving for office?

Why do you always feel terrible if your wife choose not to greet you in the morning?

Let me tell you something, these rules are rules you set for yourself and if violated, you feel angry, you feel hurt or sad. We have failed to understand that every creature is created with his/her own rules. We often think our rules should be superior. We often feel abashed once our rules are been violated. There is nothing in this life that has a reason except the reasons you and I give to it. Rules are meant to be created and also be changed. Most people have successfully created more ways for them to be sad than to be happy. We are the source of all our emotions and we must realize we are the architect of everything that happens to us in life. The same way you have a rule for love or respect is the exact way your partner also has a rule for both words. You should constantly check out your rules in order to understand the motives behind every action of yours.  In fact without understanding the rules behind your partner’s values; you can never understand him/her no matter what.

Look out for your partner’s rules; pay attention to every action or how they react to the words you say. Be very calm and cool when trying to elicit their rules. If you can understand your partner’s rules for all their values, then I see no reason why shouldn't experience one of the best marriage in the world.

NOTE: Be very patient and careful when putting all these into action, be too slow to judge, cast away doubts and assumption. Be honest and truthful always; never never never never ever ever ever ever threaten your marriage by telling your partner you will break up with him/her if you want your marriage to be one of the best. Threatening your marriage will definitely lead to divorce or break up because your nervous system will keep receiving negative messages and thus will keep producing more ways for you to step out off the marriage than staying in the marriage.